rip_myheartout's Xanga

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Wed, 13 Jul 2005 03:30:48 GMT

http://www.xanga.com/ANDHEARTSEMICOLONS

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Sat, 09 Jul 2005 07:16:50 GMT

Don't you love realizing that everything is too good to be true?
Me either.

Friday, July 01, 2005

Fri, 01 Jul 2005 07:09:02 GMT

DFGJS;OIRH W09E742093 F;JDSFDLH!!!!!!!!

I feel like my heart is going to EXPLODE.
(its a BEAUTIFUL feeling).

♥

Friday, June 24, 2005

Fri, 24 Jun 2005 17:54:17 GMT

"Lately I'm alright. And Lately I'm not scared. I figured out that what you do to me feels like I'm floating on air. I don't need to know right now...all I know is I believe in the very thing that got us here, and now I can't leave. Say anything, but say what you mean. Cause I'm caught in suspension."

Mae owns my heart.

Things have been really great. I'm having FUN with my summer and my life and everything because I am SO FUCKING SICK of feeling crappy. So here's a nice secret; I don't anymore.

I let go of everything that was making me feel terrible and I let myself be happy. And now I am. Cross my heart.

Here's why;
& COUNTLESS hours dancing to Nsync* & the Spice Girls with Tori
& A beautiful boy named Sam, who is marrying me.
& Hanging out with Steven & Keith for Plant City memories
& Every single one of my friends.

Here's another thing; I am in love with someone.

hah hah, I never thought it would be funny, but it really is. We're growing up to live in a house with a Jetta parked outside. (you wouldn't understand).

He called me really early in the morning just to tell me that he cares about me. It was the sweetest thing.

Its 2:22. Make a wish.
♥

Saturday, June 18, 2005

Sat, 18 Jun 2005 15:20:35 GMT

"I am thinkng its a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned. I have to speculate that God, himself, did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzel pieces from the clay. True, it may seem like stretch, but its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away and I am missing you to death. When you are out there all alone for several weeks of shows and when you scan the radio, I hope this song will guide you home."

OKAY, SO I'M REALLY HAPPY RIGHT NOW.
Last night was an amazing night, and... yes. Hah.
I'm in an incredible mood.
I'm listening to the Postal Service.
And I'm going to grow up to own a Jetta and live in a house with one person
who will dance insanely with me. (only one person will get that).

Wow. I haven't felt this great in a long time.
Going to University mall with Tori & Javier today.

I LOVE YOU.

♥

Friday, June 17, 2005

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 15:50:51 GMT

I'm in a good mood, which means I'm not in a "writey" mood, because the only time I am in a "writey" mood is when I'm in a really bad mood.

Which would happen to not be today, thankfully.

So I'm going out to see Sam tonight, and Saturday I'm going to hang out with Javier and Tori at University mall. And I'm getting PAAAAAAAAAAID tonight. YES.

So I hope that you all are doing well. And possibly eating chocolate because that way if you weren't doing well, at least the chocolate could make you feel better.... unless you're lactose intolerant, in which case, I'm very sorry for you.
♥ YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL, have a wonderful day.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Tue, 14 Jun 2005 12:53:24 GMT

I don't understand why I can't ever sleep.
I have this really uneasy feeling right now.
It makes me want to throw up, just to make it gone.
Even though I don't think it would help.
Something is definitely wrong.
I don't know what it is, but something isn't right.
I need something.
Anything.

Is there any possible way of becoming someone else for a few years?
I'm not too happy with myself lately, and I wouldn't mind a the change.
Lately I feel really....terrible.
I know I use that word a lot, but its the only one that fits.

I don't know whats wrong with me.
This was a really pointless entry.

(Sorry about that, by the way.)
♥
p.s. I come off like a completely different person on the internet than I do in person. I don't know why.

Saturday, June 11, 2005

Sat, 11 Jun 2005 22:47:22 GMT

Hi, this is Dani. but not Dani ring, its her friend dani. I just wanted too go on here and tell you all that my friend Dani is the most amazing person in the whole world, and if you didnt already know that then your crazy. I love her & im shure you do too. I HATE seeing her sad like that last entry. Shes too sweet and great too be sad like that over someboy who is not as great as she thinks or thoght he was because she is TOO GREAT for him. I think everyone who loves her should commnet on this entry and tell her why and how much you love her. This girl is WONDERFUL, AND CARES SOOO MUCH ABOUT EVERYONE. I love her alot.

I JUST WANTED TOO WRITE THIS BECAUSE IM TIRED OF READING HER SAD ENTRIES.

I LOVE YOU DANI!!!!!!!

♥ Dani(maloy not ring)

Friday, June 10, 2005

Fri, 10 Jun 2005 05:14:14 GMT

Everything is getting to be too much. And by everything, I mean all the thinking I can't stop doing no matter how hard I try. I've cried more than once every day this week and I hate it almost as much as I hate admitting it. I don't know where to start with any of this, so I'll guess I'll start with this;

SIX FUCKING MONTHS AND I'M STILL NOT OVER IT.
I'm never going to be over it. I want to be, I really do, but I just can't let go no matter how many times I count the reasons I should--I NEED to. I don't understand it. And if I do, I wish I didn't because it would complicate things more, contrary to belief. I take that back; I might get over it, but it will always make me sad. I guess I need to work on controlling that.

On November 9th, 2004 I broke up with the one person I feel I may ever have really belonged with. I can't explain what happened, exactly. It broke my heart to do it, and I did it anyway. He told me that he loved me and I told him that he didn't mean it. I convinced myself that he wasn't the one for me, even though he was nothing shy of amazing. He was never mean to me, he didn't think I was stupid for all the stupid things I did, he thought I was beautiful when I wasn't, he was there for me when I needed it most, and when I didn't need it at all, he listened to all my problems, and cared about me more than anyone I've ever known has. He trusted me, and he loved me and I took all of it for granted. After six months I told him that I felt we were getting distant. And we were because I was so scared I subconciously, or otherwise, used every excuse I could to put that distance there. I decided that I "liked" a boy who caused me pain before, and thats because, unlike with Jonathan, I knew what to expect from this other boy. I knew that it would never work and when it didn't, I wasn't surprised. I was expectant. But Jonathan was different from anyone I've ever known and I DIDN'T know what to expect from him. And while I loved it, it scared me, because caring about someone that much never proves to be safe. If I became dependant upon his love, I could only get hurt, and thats exactly what I decided. I was scared, and I was stupid, and I sometimes feel like I made the biggest mistake of my life.

I never want him to know this. Never, ever, EVER.

Its been about six months, and I can't let go of the situation. Every guy I'm with only proves to me that no one can be like he was. But not even he can be like he was. I'm not saying he's a bad person now by any means. He's still a wonderful person and friend, as I'm sure. He just isn't the same person he was, and neither am I. I know what I did, and I know that I dug myself this hole that I'm lying in. Which is probably what bothers me the most. I can't let go if I don't stop thinking about it, and I can't stop thinking about how I can't let go. Its an endless cycle and its driving me insane. It seems like everything is reminding me of what once was and its stupid. It's stupid and crazy and sickening and I want it all to go away.

He's so much happier now, I know he is. I probably held him back from who he really wanted to be; partying, and drinking, and doing whatever else he's up to now. Whether or not thats really my "scene", I know he loves the life he's living, and I'm terribly happy for him. I like a boy named Morgan oh so much, and it bothers me that I think about this, but some nights it seems like it can't be helped; it just comes pouring out of me peice by peice with my fingers typing too fast on this annoying keyboard, and this is one of those nights.

I would just love to tell him that I'm sorry. I know that I hurt him a lot, and as much as he may not believe me, I never wanted it to end this way. I never thought it would end this way, and I NEVER wanted to hurt him. I know that I did, and I know that I completely destroyed his trust, and for that, I sincerely apologize.

I hope one day he can truely forgive me.

I know things can never be like they were and I don't really expect them to be. I know this is supposed to push me through to be a "stronger person" but sometimes it hurts so fucking much its unbearable. I wish I had no memory, honestly. I'm not holding out for this, if thats what you're thinking. And I am moving on, the best I can as fast as I can. I really do like a boy named Morgan, and I know he likes me. The past is the past for a reason, I know this as well. I just sometimes wish it wasn't the past.

Hah hah, this is so ridiculous! I just typed a bunch of shit I know I'll wish I hadn't in the morning. I honestly don't care anymore. Think of this as you wish. I (faintly) know where I stand, and thats just about all I can handle right now.
♥

Monday, June 06, 2005

Mon, 06 Jun 2005 19:50:55 GMT

I'm completely sick of a whole mess of things. I'm not exactly sure why, because things are actually going well for me. I don't understand why sometimes I just crash. Its completely ridiculous, but, whatever.

There are too many things that I can't explain, and the other ones seem more important. I'd like to just pin this one off on mood swings and leave it at that.

Regardless of whether or not its true.

Why can't you jusy be happy? WHY CAN'T YOU JUST BE HAPPY?! ♥

Tori says I'll never let anything good happen to me.
Maybe I'm afraid to.